GOOD MORNING, MOMMO AND POPPO.
TODAY IS A VERY SPECIAL DAY FOR ME.
EVERY DAY SEEMS TO BE A SPECIAL DAY FOR YOU, SON.
AND, FRANKLY, WE'RE GETTING PRETTY SICK OF IT.
NO. TODAY I REALLY MEAN IT.
GUESS WHO'S GONNA BE AT DREXLER'S DEPARTMENT STORE?
MY SOUL MATE.
YOU MEAN THAT WEIRD GUY IN SPORTING GOODS WHO HAS THE STRANGE STINK?
NO. NO. WE LOST TOUCH RECENTLY.
NO. THIS IS EVEN BETTER. NOW, BRACE YOURSELVES.
IT'S THAT GORGEOUS SUPERMODEL SLASH ACTRESS,
NICOLETTE PRESTON.
OH, THAT'S RIGHT.
I READ SHE WAS IN TOWN HAWKING SOME SNAKE OIL WITH HER NAME ON IT.
IT'S PERFUME, MA. HERE, SMELL.
I'M FINALLY GONNA MEET THE WOMAN OF MY DREAMS,
OH, IT'S GONNA BE WONDERFUL.
WE'LL PROBABLY TALK FOR... FOR HOURS ON END
AND... AND THEN MAYBE WE'LL EVEN SHARE SOME RAISINS,
WHICH, AT THIS VERY MOMENT, ARE GETTING NICE AND GUSHY IN MY PANTS.
CHRIS, HONEY, I WOULD NEVER BE THE ONE TO CRUSH
YOUR MOST PRECIOUS, FRAGILE HOPES AND DREAMS,
BUT IF YOU WERE LYING ON THE GROUND ALMOST DEAD FROM THIRST,
NICOLETTE PRESTON WOULDN'T TAKE THE TIME TO SPIT IN YOUR FACE.
HEAR, HEAR.
YOU'RE BOTH WRONG.
DON'T YOU SEE? WE SHARE A SPECIAL CONNECTION.
ONE THAT CAN ONLY BE FORMED AFTER SPENDING HOURS
STARING AT HER PICTURE IN A MAGAZINE
OR... OR SITTING THROUGH ENDLESS SHOWINGS OF HER LATEST FILM
UNTIL MY CLOTHES ARE ALL DAMP WITH SATURATED FATS
AND MY REAR IS ALL NUMB AND SWOLLEN.
EW! SO MUCH FOR BREAKFAST.
NICOLETTE'S GOT TO HAVE FELT THAT CONNECTION HERSELF,
IN HER MIND AND IN HER HEART AND... AND IN HER BLADDER.
I DON'T KNOW WHY THERE, BUT I THINK PROBABLY...
WHAT IF SHE DOESN'T?
OH, DAD, PLEASE.
I DON'T EVEN WANT TO BEGIN TO THINK OF THE RAMIFICATIONS OF THAT NIGHTMARE POSSIBILITY.
LET'S JUST SAY THAT THE WORD "BLOODBATH" COMES TO MIND.
NO, I'M JUST JOKING. OR AM I? I DON'T KNOW.
WHO SAID THAT? NOT ME, HIM. WHO? YOU. PLUS TAX. OOH!
$5 SAYS HE'S IN JAIL BY NOON.
OH. GREAT.
I'M GONNA HAVE TO STAND IN THIS LINE OF IDIOTS FOR HOURS.
MAYBE I SHOULD JUST THINK OF AN INGENIOUS WAY TO GET AHEAD OF ALL OF THEM.
OH! THE HELL WITH THAT. ALL RIGHT, MOVE! MOVE! MOVE IT! OUT OF THE WAY!
ALL RIGHT, MOVE IT! MOVE IT, JARHEAD! MAKE ROOM FOR A REAL FAN.
COME ON. I LIKE HER BETTER THAN YOU DO, COME ON! MOVE IT!
OK, VERY NICE, OK, PAL, VERY NICE.
THAT'S GONNA MAKE AN EXCITING ENTRY INTO YOUR DIARY, ISN'T IT?
OFF YOU GO.
WATCH THE TOWHEAD OVER THERE.
HE LOOKS LIKE A MAJOR PSYCHO.
YOU POOR THING.
I BET YOU HAVE TO PUT UP WITH LOSERS LIKE HIM ALL DAY, HUH?
SOME DAYS ARE LONGER THAN OTHERS.
MISS PRESTON,
MY NAME IS CHRIS PETERSON.
AND I AM YOUR SOUL MATE.
WOW! BOY.
THE STATIC ELECTRICITY REALLY BUILDS UP IN THIS CARPET.
CHRIS, NO ONE'S EVER MADE ME FEEL LIKE THAT BEFORE.
REALLY? WELL, IT'S ALL FOR REAL.
I MEAN, YOU CAN SEARCH ME FOR A JOY BUZZER IF YOU WANT.
YOU'RE SO FUNNY.
NO ONE'S EVER MADE ME LAUGH LIKE THAT.
WOW!
WELL, I GUESS MY FAITHFUL READING
OF THE FAMILY CIRCUS COMIC EVERYDAY HAS FINALLY PAID OFF.
I LOVE THE FAMILY CIRCUS.
REALLY? ISN'T IT JUST FALL-DOWN FUNNY?
WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE COLOR?
PEACH.
MINE, TOO. YOUR FAVORITE SONG?
BILLY, DON'T BE A HERO. MINE, TOO.
W-WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE BUGS BUNNY CARTOON?
THE ONE WHERE DAFFY KEEPS TRYING TO GET BUGS KILLED BY HUNTERS,
BUT HE KEEPS GETTING SHOT HIMSELF
AND HIS BILL KEEPS WINDING UP IN ALL DIFFERENT PLACES ON HIS FACE.
YES! YES! MINE, TOO. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
LOOK, I... I EVEN WROTE IT DOWN
IN... IN CASE A SITUATION AROSE WHERE I HAD TO PROVE IT TO SOMEBODY.
LOOK, SEE. RIGHT THERE. NOW, MY SYNOPSIS MAY VARY A LITTLE BIT FROM YOURS,
BUT I THINK IT'S PRETTY MUCH...
WHAT ARE THOSE?
JUST SOME RAISINS.
I ADORE RAISINS. LOOK! LOOK!
I KEEP THEM RIGHT HERE IN MY POCKET SO THEY'LL GET ALL
NICE AND GUSHY.
WE ARE LIKE... SOUL MATES.
I TOLD YOU.
NICOLETTE, COME AWAY WITH ME.
AWAY FROM... FROM ALL OF THIS.
BUT I CAN'T. I MEAN, LOOK AT ALL THE PEOPLE WHO ARE WAITING.
LET THEM ALL GO TO HADES.
THIS IS THE CHANCE OF A LIFETIME.
TRUST ME.
W-WHERE WILL WE GO?
JEEZ, I DON'T KNOW, I...
HOW ABOUT A RIDE IN A SPEEDBOAT? OK.
I KNEW IT! GET HIM.
NO! NO! WAIT! FELLAS, IT'S OK.
WE WERE JUST RUNNING OFF TOGETHER.
OH, SORRY.
OH, CHRIS, I'VE NEVER HAD SO MUCH FUN IN ALL MY LIFE.
YEAH. ME NEITHER.
I THINK IT'S TIME YOU MEET MY PARENTS.
OK.
CHRIS, FOR GOD'S SAKE, ABDUCTING A CELEBRITY IS A MAJOR FELONY.
THEY'LL HANG YOU UP BY YOUR BUSTER BROWNS, BOY.
JEEZ, MOM, DAD, YOU'RE EMBARRASSING ME,
COME ON. GOSH, EVERY TIME I BRING A WOMAN HOME, YOU ACT LIKE I KIDNAPPED HER.
OK, SO, ONE TIME I DID. BUT, COME ON, THAT WAS 3 YEARS AGO.
WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO CONVINCE YOU THAT SHE REALLY LIKES ME?
WELL, LET GO OF HER AND SEE IF SHE MAKES A RUN FOR IT.
OH.
OK. UH.
I'LL BE DAMNED. SHE MUST BE NUTS.
SO, MOM, DAD, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF HER?
WELL, SHE'S SURE NOT HARD ON THE EYES.
AND SHE DOESN'T STRIKE ME AS PARTICULARLY SLUTTY.
NICOLETTE, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THEM?
I'VE MET WORSE.
NOW, I GUESS THE NEXT STEP IS PAINFULLY OBVIOUS.
NICOLETTE, WILL YOU MARRY ME?
THAT'S IT, HE'S AIRBORNE.
OH, YES, CHRIS, I WILL.
HOLY TOLEDO.
THANK YOU FOR COMING ON SUCH SHORT NOTICE.
CHRIS, THIS IS INCREDIBLE, JUST INCREDIBLE. DO YOU REALIZE THAT?
MISS PRESTON,
SURELY, YOU ARE AWARE OF THE MANY FACILITIES
TO WHICH YOU COULD GO FOR THERAPY.
WHO IS THIS BITCH?
DON'T WORRY, HONEY, IT'S JUST AN OLD JILTED LOVER.
OK, LET'S GET THIS OVER WITH.
MY PROSTATE FEELS BIGGER THAN A BASKETBALL.
LOVELY.
BLESS YOU, ME LORD.
I ASSUME YOU'VE HAD YOUR BLOOD TESTS?
UH, YES, IN FACT, WE DID THEM OURSELVES AT HOME AND EVERYTHING TASTED FINE.
DO YOU HAVE A RING?
DO I HAVE A RING? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
WITH THE KIND OF MONEY SHE MAKES, SHE SHOULD BUY ME A RING.
HERE, YOU CAN USE MINE. ARE YOU CRAZY?
THAT COULD BE HER WHOLE SCAM.
AS SOON AS HE SLIPS THAT RING ON HER FINGER,
SHE COULD TAKE OFF LIKE A BAT OUT OF HELL.
FRED, I TRUST HER.
BUT IF THAT SHOULD TURN OUT TO BE THE CASE, SO HELP ME,
I WILL TRACK YOU DOWN LIKE A LITTLE BRUNETTE ANIMAL.
DO YOU, NICOLETTE PRESTON, TAKE THIS BOY TO BE YOUR LAWFUL WEDDED HUSBAND?
I DO.
AND DO YOU, CHRIS PETERSON, TAKE THIS WOMAN
TO BE YOUR LAWFUL WEDDED WIFE?
I DO.
OK, I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU MAN AND WIFE.
YOU MAY KISS THE BRIDE.
OH, YEAH, LIKE I REALLY NEED YOUR PERMISSION FOR THAT.
OH, FRED, THIS IS PROBABLY THE MOST SPECIAL MOMENT OF OUR ENTIRE LIVES.
YEAH. WHILE I'M HERE, COULD I GET A FISHING LICENSE?
FRED.
COME ON, HONEY, LET'S GO HOME.
GOODBYE. GOODBYE.
OH, CHRIS, I'M SORRY.
MUST HAVE GOTTEN MIXED IN WITH THE RICE SOMEHOW.
OH, CHRIS, IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
SUCH A REFRESHING CHANGE FROM MY RAMBLING HOLLYWOOD MANSION.
I THINK I SPRAINED MY REAR CARRYING YOU UP HERE.
OH.
OH, CHRIS, THAT WAS INCREDIBLE.
YEAH. IT SURE WAS. SORRY ABOUT ALL THE FOG.
I GET IT IN HERE THIS TIME OF DAY.
OUT YOU GO. COME ON.
OK.
YOU ARE AMAZING.
NO ONE IN HOLLYWOOD COULD DO WHAT YOU JUST DID.
REALLY? NOT EVEN ROY CLARK?
OH, WE'RE GOING TO BE SO HAPPY TOGETHER, AREN'T WE?
OH, YOU BET. WE'RE PERFECT FOR EACH OTHER.
SO, WHAT SHOULD WE DO TODAY?
WELL, HMM. I'M GONNA READ THE NEWSPAPER.
I'VE GOT ABOUT A WEEK'S WORTH OF CATCHING UP TO DO WITH MY FUNNIES.
YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS. I'M GONNA READ THEM OUT LOUD.
I HAVE A CUTE LITTLE VOICE FOR ALL THE CHARACTERS.
SOUNDS LIKE FUN, BUT I WAS KIND OF HOPING WE COULD GO TO THE MOVIES.
WHAT?
I WANT TO GO TO THE MOVIES.
THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT YOU SAID. WHAT, DO YOU THINK I'M MADE OF MONEY?
AM I SUPPOSED TO STAY COOPED UP IN HERE ALL DAY WHILE YOU READ?
OK, SO, NOW YOU'RE COOPED UP. YOU KNOW, THIS PLACE USED TO BE FINE WITH YOU.
IT IS FINE. BUT YOU NEVER TAKE ME ANYWHERE.
NICOLETTE,
AFTER A HARD DAY AT WORK DELIVERING NEWSPAPERS,
I COME HOME AND I'M TIRED. OK?
AND I DESERVE A LITTLE REST AND RELAXATION.
AND I DO NOT WANT TO BE DRAGGED ALL OVER THE DAMN U.S. OF A.
WELL, I'M TIRED, TOO. I'M TIRED OF YOUR ATTITUDE.
WILL YOU STOP NAGGING ME? ALL YOU DO IS COMPLAIN!
WHY SHOULD I TAKE YOU OUT, ANYWAY? YOU NEVER DRESS UP FOR ME ANYMORE.
WHY SHOULD I? WE NEVER GO ANYWHERE.
BECAUSE I'M NOT MADE OF MONEY!
I'M SO SICK OF THE SAME ARGUMENT ALL THE TIME.
YOU'RE DRIVING ME CRAZY.
WELL, YOU'RE DRIVING ME CRAZY.
GO TO HELL!
NICOLETTE, WAIT.
AH, THE HELL WITH THEM. WHO NEEDS WOMEN, ANYWAY?
OH, MY. WHAT'S THE MATTER, DEAR?
YEAH, DID YOUR HIGHER BRAIN FUNCTION SUDDENLY KICK IN
AND YOU FINALLY REALIZED HOW YOU THREW AWAY YOUR ENTIRE LIFE?
WE HAD OUR FIRST FIGHT.
BUT YOU 2 WERE GETTING ALONG SO WELL.
WE WERE IN THE BEGINNING.
BUT NOT ANYMORE. HE... HE WON'T TAKE ME ANYWHERE.
HE'S STARTED TO TAKE ME FOR GRANTED.
OH, THAT SOUNDS LIKE EXACTLY WHAT HE'S DOING, DEAR.
AND YOU'RE JUST GONNA HAVE TO GET USED TO IT. WHAT?
ALL THE PETERSON MEN TAKE THEIR WOMEN FOR GRANTED.
IT'S A SACRED TRADITION WITH US.
BUT ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS GO TO THE MOVIES.
MOVIES? WHAT DO YOU THINK, HE'S MADE OF MONEY?
"WHY, MR. FREBO, YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'RE ABOUT TO VOMIT."
"DON'T BE RIDICULOUS, I CAN HOLD MY LIQUOR."
HI, CHRISSIE.
OH, HI, PATTI.
I WAS JUST WONDERING IF I COULD BORROW SOME SUGAR.
SURE. AHEM.
HOW MANY BAGS DO YOU NEED?
JUST ONE.
OK.
OH.
SO, WHAT'S NEW, BIG GUY?
NOT A WHOLE LOT.
I GOT MARRIED.
OH, WELL, CONGRATULATIONS. I THOUGHT I HADN'T SEEN YOU AROUND.
YEAH, WELL, MARRIED LIFE KIND OF CHANGES EVERYTHING.
I HAVEN'T SEEN ANY OF MY FRIENDS LATELY.
STILL, THEY SAY THERE'S NOTHING LIKE IT.
I GUESS.
I MEAN, IN THE BEGINNING IT WAS FINE,
BUT, I DON'T KNOW, NOW WE'RE GOING THROUGH, KIND OF, A ROUGH PATCH.
OH. THAT'S... TOO BAD.
WELL, I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I'M AVAILABLE
IF YOU EVER WANNA TALK ABOUT IT.
UH, UH.
I THINK YOU BETTER BE GOING NOW.
WHY?
I'M NOT IN ANY HURRY.
CHRIS?
CHRIS!
HOW COULD YOU?
UH, UH, NICOLETTE, HONEY.
SWEETHEART, POOKIE POO.
I SWEAR, WE WERE JUST BARBECUING.
DON'T LIE TO ME, CHRIS. WE'VE BEEN THROUGH TOO MUCH TOGETHER FOR THIS.
WELL, I REALLY THINK I OUGHT TO BE GOING NOW.
NOT SO FAST, HOME WRECKER!
NO, REALLY, I JUST... RIGHT ACROSS THE...
OK, HONEY, SO, UM,
MAYBE THERE WAS SOMETHING GOING ON HERE,
BUT... BUT I SWEAR, I-I-IT MEANT NOTHING TO ME.
IT WAS JUST A MEANINGLESS LITTLE FLING. I MEAN,
Y-YOU KNOW, IT'S PROBABLY WHAT THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT. YOU KNOW, THE 7 HOUR ITCH.
YOU CHEATED ON ME, CHRIS.
YOU HAD AN AFFAIR IN... IN OUR HOUSE, IN OUR BED!
OK, SO YOU MADE ONE LITTLE MISTAKE.
DON'T SHOW ANY WEAKNESS NOW OR SHE'LL OWN YOUR BUTT FOREVER.
I'M SORRY, NICOLETTE! I'M SORRY! PLEASE, FORGIVE ME!
I BEG YOU! PLEASE! WE CAN WORK THIS OUT, CAN'T WE?
OK, CHRIS.
I'M WILLING TO WORK ON IT IF YOU ARE,
BUT WE CAN'T DO THIS ALONE. WE'VE GOT TO GET COUNSELING.
HUH?
I GOTTA BE HONEST HERE, OK.
I THINK YOU PSYCHOLOGISTS
ARE ALL A BUNCH OF PHONY, 2 FACED, HYPOCRITICAL EGGHEADS,
WHO TALK PEOPLE INTO UNNECESSARY LIVER TRANSPLANTS,
AND SECOND-STORY ADDITIONS TO THEIR HOUSES, OK?
SO DON'T EXPECT ME TO TELL YOU ANYTHING.
BECAUSE YOU, MY DEAR MISS FRANKENSTEIN, ARE THE ENEMY.
MR. PETERSON, YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO ANY OPINION YOU LIKE REGARDING US.
AND, PLEASE UNDERSTAND, YOU'RE UNDER NO PRESSURE AT ALL TO SAY ANYTHING TO ME.
ONCE WHEN I WAS 7 YEARS OLD, WE WERE CLEANING OUT THE GARAGE
AND I DIDN'T HAVE ANY WORK CLOTHES.
AND SO, MY MOMMY MADE ME WEAR ONE OF HER OLD APRONS.
AND IT MADE ME FEEL LIKE A LITTLE GIRL.
CHRIS, CHRIS.
DO YOU THINK YOU COULD TALK ABOUT THIS KIND OF STUFF IN YOUR OWN TIME?
WE'RE HERE TO TALK ABOUT OUR RELATIONSHIP.
OH, SURE, I'M SORRY.
FIRST OF ALL, I THINK YOU SHOULD KNOW
THAT IT USUALLY TAKES YEARS TO DIAGNOSE ALL THE FACTORS IN A COUPLE'S RELATIONSHIP,
AND EVEN THEN, REACHING A PROPER CONCLUSION IS STILL VERY DIFFICULT.
BUT IN THIS CASE,
I THINK IT'S SAFE TO SAY THAT, UH, YOU 2 SHOULD BREAK UP.
BREAK UP?
OH, IMMEDIATELY. GET A DIVORCE.
B-BUT WHY? WE HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON. WE SEEM TO BE SO COMPATIBLE.
I AGREE.
BUT THERE'S A MUCH LARGER, MUCH MORE IMPORTANT ISSUE HERE.
YOU SEE, YOU ARE SIMPLY MUCH TOO BEAUTIFUL FOR HIM.
BUT SUPPOSE WE DECIDED WE WANT TO GIVE IT ONE MORE CHANCE?
WELL, THEN, I WOULD DO WHAT ANY TRAINED
MARRIAGE COUNSELING PROFESSIONAL WOULD DO.
I WOULD HAVE YOU BOTH DECLARED MENTALLY INCOMPETENT,
BIND YOU IN STRAIGHT JACKETS,
AND HAVE YOU THROWN INTO SOME GOD-FORSAKEN SNAKE PIT OF A MENTAL INSTITUTION
FOR THE REST OF YOUR MISERABLE LIVES.
NOW, I KNOW THAT WHAT I'M SAYING MAY SOUND HARSH,
BUT IT'S THE LAW.
AND I ALSO KNOW THAT IN YOUR HEARTS, YOU KNOW I'M RIGHT.
SHE IS RIGHT, YOU KNOW, CHRIS.
I AM TOO BEAUTIFUL FOR YOU.
I KNOW.
I GUESS IT... IT JUST TOOK THE OBJECTIVE VOICE OF AN OUTSIDER
TO GET US TO ADMIT IT TO OURSELVES.
I'M SORRY, NICOLETTE.
I'M SORRY, TOO, CHRIS.
THANK YOU, DR. RAND.
WHAT'S THE NORMAL TIP FOR SOMETHING LIKE THIS?
I'M IN SHOCK.
I WAS CERTAIN THAT THIS WAS ONE THAT WOULD LAST.
YOU SURE ABOUT THIS?
OK, THEN, HOLD OUT YOUR HANDS.
THIS IS IT? I MEAN, DON'T WE HAVE TO SIGN SOMETHING?
WHAT ARE YOU SOME KIND OF IDIOT?
NICOLETTE,
IT WASN'T ALL BAD, WAS IT?
OH, NO, CHRIS.
THE FIRST COUPLE OF HOURS WERE GREAT.
I'M GONNA MISS YOU, NICOLETTE.
I'M GONNA MISS YOU, TOO, CHRIS.
BYE, CHRIS.
OK.
WELL, YOUR FIRST WIFE HAS JUST LEFT YOU.
SHE'S GONE. AND YOU'RE ALL ALONE.
BUT YOU CAN TAKE IT.
YOU'RE QUITE A MAN, CHRIS PETERSON.
I RAN INTO NICOLETTE A LITTLE LATER THAT DAY.
BY THEN WE WERE BOTH SEEING OTHER PEOPLE
AND THE WOUNDS HAD HAD TIME TO HEAL.
I REALIZED THAT NICOLETTE WAS A WONDERFUL PERSON
AND I WAS GLAD WE HAD SPENT ALMOST AN ENTIRE DAY OF OUR LIVES TOGETHER.
WE TALKED ABOUT OLD TIMES FOR A WHILE, AND THEN, WE KISSED AFFECTIONATELY,
AND SHE WAS GONE.
AND AT THAT PRECISE MOMENT, SOMETHING VERY SPECIAL, ALMOST MAGICAL, HAPPENED.
ONE OF THOSE GIANT BOULDERS FELL ON ME.